Dating or Courtship standards
Now that I’ve told our story, I’d like to bring up some questions for your thoughts. We all have ideas about what dating or courtship should look like. What I am about to share I do not claim to be the final “truth” on the issue but I would like to state that I think that we have a lot to grow in when it comes to our transition from single hood to marriage process.
First, is casual dating ok? Is it ok to go out with several different people to “get the feeling” for what’s out there? I don’t know about all you folks but I cannot spend special time with any person without getting either closer to them in spirit, or withdrawing from them. It rarely is an “emotionally free” time. Thus we get slightly attached to someone and then cut it off, wad up the hurt inside and try it again with someone else. When the right person finally comes along, we do not open up like we did with the first because we are worried about getting hurt again. Thus we proceed with the relationship and never or rarely communicate on a heart level! Is this not preparation for divorce more so than marriage? It also raises questions all through life, “what if…?”
If then our purpose is to find a life partner, should we not then wait till we are ready to take on the weight of matrimony? Is it right to start the car of Courtship rolling if we are not ready to ride it the whole way to the marriage alter? We received some serious criticism for having a very short courtship. They felt it was not proper to make a life changing decision so quickly. While I can understand exactly were they are coming from, I wonder if God did not design some things to be worked thru inside the commitment to marriage instead of taking years to try and do it with no commitment to each other. We were both older, we both had parents who felt we were ready for marriage, and we both felt the leading of God that this was the person for us! Why postpone that decision? We knew we would never find the person with whom we would have no conflict! Whoever we married would make us work thru some things and that is life!
But I see some couples dating/courting for several years and I wonder, is this best? Does no this open up them up to a lot of temptation to go past the boundaries or standards that they have set up? Is this not more likely to make the struggle for purity harder the longer it goes? We were only courting for a couple days and then engaged for 3 months. We lived 1500 miles apart and only saw each other for two weeks between our engagement and the week of our marriage. Still, we struggled! I cannot imagine trying to live like that for a year or more!
Let me make a suggestion. Before pursuing a relationship with any one person, talk to your parents. Ask them if they feel you’re ready for marriage. Let them help you set up some guidelines and get suggestions for who they feel would make a suitable life partner. Your parents know you better than any one else, and thus knows who would be best for us often better than we would know ourselves. Then when we have their blessing, pursue the relationship and when you find that this is the one, get married.
If you think this is extreme, try looking at what they used to do it like! A guy and a girl spent little, if any, time alone and rarely saw each other before marriage. It worked then though I think a blend of the two to be the best.
First, is casual dating ok? Is it ok to go out with several different people to “get the feeling” for what’s out there? I don’t know about all you folks but I cannot spend special time with any person without getting either closer to them in spirit, or withdrawing from them. It rarely is an “emotionally free” time. Thus we get slightly attached to someone and then cut it off, wad up the hurt inside and try it again with someone else. When the right person finally comes along, we do not open up like we did with the first because we are worried about getting hurt again. Thus we proceed with the relationship and never or rarely communicate on a heart level! Is this not preparation for divorce more so than marriage? It also raises questions all through life, “what if…?”
If then our purpose is to find a life partner, should we not then wait till we are ready to take on the weight of matrimony? Is it right to start the car of Courtship rolling if we are not ready to ride it the whole way to the marriage alter? We received some serious criticism for having a very short courtship. They felt it was not proper to make a life changing decision so quickly. While I can understand exactly were they are coming from, I wonder if God did not design some things to be worked thru inside the commitment to marriage instead of taking years to try and do it with no commitment to each other. We were both older, we both had parents who felt we were ready for marriage, and we both felt the leading of God that this was the person for us! Why postpone that decision? We knew we would never find the person with whom we would have no conflict! Whoever we married would make us work thru some things and that is life!
But I see some couples dating/courting for several years and I wonder, is this best? Does no this open up them up to a lot of temptation to go past the boundaries or standards that they have set up? Is this not more likely to make the struggle for purity harder the longer it goes? We were only courting for a couple days and then engaged for 3 months. We lived 1500 miles apart and only saw each other for two weeks between our engagement and the week of our marriage. Still, we struggled! I cannot imagine trying to live like that for a year or more!
Let me make a suggestion. Before pursuing a relationship with any one person, talk to your parents. Ask them if they feel you’re ready for marriage. Let them help you set up some guidelines and get suggestions for who they feel would make a suitable life partner. Your parents know you better than any one else, and thus knows who would be best for us often better than we would know ourselves. Then when we have their blessing, pursue the relationship and when you find that this is the one, get married.
If you think this is extreme, try looking at what they used to do it like! A guy and a girl spent little, if any, time alone and rarely saw each other before marriage. It worked then though I think a blend of the two to be the best.
Comments
I remember Ravi Zacharias telling of his brother's marriage to a girl back in India. He never met the girl face to face until he arrived in India for the marriage! Ravi's brother asked his father and mother to work through the father's aunt in India to find a suitable wife for him. Ravi was somewhat perplexed at this old style manner of finding a wife and questioned his brother, to which his brother responded that love and marriage involves a commitment of the will, and he was committed to this woman and their marriage. Without doubt Ravi's brother also had much trust and confidence in God and in God's use of the family members that helped arrange this marriage.
It should be that we all had the same trust in God's wisdom and the wisdom that He can impart to our parents and advisors as you and your families displayed in your developing courtship.
May God continue to bless you both.
Not to mention that it all took place back in the "dark ages."
The Lord led me to my wife, who is the very love of my life.
Good post! Food for thought.
I think people need to be in lots of conversation with there parents but this never happens or rarely. What do parents need to do to have children communicate with them there hearts?
The point I'm making is, there is a side to this whole thing of dating too long,but the other side of things is, not dating long enough. And also, I know that its not the same for everyone. (Hope this all makes a little sense..lol!!)
Good post!
Love thy choice.